Edie, not even 8 months old, figured out how to pull her diaper off today.

The disaster that this will be is unthinkable.

For whatever reason, my little darlings like their own poop more than Play-Doh. Edie has an incredible ability to poop straight up her back, leaving trace amounts in her diaper (but an unholy hell in her sleeper). Every diaper change is a round of “Let’s grab the crap!” Needless to say, I’ve spent some time cleaning up fecal matter. I feel like the guy who cleans up after the monkeys at the zoo, actually.

Unfortunately, this means that Neve sees Edie getting loads of attention from something as simple as pooping. So she has decided she wants diapers again.

To assert this, she craps her pants.

Okay, I understand kids regress, but 1. The baby is 8 months old already and 2. Neve is 4 years. Gearing up for preschool this fall. This situation does. not. work.

So of course, I try to fight it (no, honey, you’re a big girl… babies can’t eat snacks and candy and blah blah blah… babies can’t play with those and blah blah blah…). In response, Neve decided to step it up a notch.

One of my favorite Bob Saget scenes is from “Dumb and Dumberer,” where a melted chocolate bar smeared all over his bathroom causes Bob’s character to scream repeatedly, “OH MY GOD! THERE IS SHIT EVERYWHERE!” Hilarious. I loved it. Until I lived it.

The other day, I go to check on Neve who is using the toilet. She had finger-painted her poop all across her body (chest to ankles), the floor, the side of the tub, and the toilet.

And the Princess (yours truly) had a royal fit.

Neve travels to the land of nap time while Mommy cleaned up the hell that was her bathroom. When Neve woke up, it was lunchtime. I set her down at the table as I prepared a PB&J sandwich and peeled a banana (this kid’s favorite meal in the entire world). Then I pulled a bottle of formula out of the fridge, plopped it down in front of her, and started eating the sandwich.

Kid freaked the f*ck out. Like hardcore.

Needless to say, after that one, she got a sammich and a nanner and I’ve been poopy-painting free ever since.

But looking at Edie’s new trick, I doubt I will be for long.

Don't even think about it. Courtesy pottytraininghub.com


R.I.P. Corey Haim. May you find peace.